"The Healing Journey" by Debi Fitzgerald
"The Awakening"
My thoughts drifted to the warm ocean breezes and the sounds of the pounding surf upon the sandy shores. I imagined myself there, walking with Gini along the vast expanse of these shell laden beaches. I needed to connect again with my kindred spirit. I went on to daydream about cruising in Gini and her husband’s new toy, a 33 foot Tiara. The purchase was to celebrate their new home and their dreams of tomorrow.
I picked up the phone anticipating a cheery response but instead was shocked at the news I was hearing. The call was answered with a desperate plea from my anguished friend! She told me the shocking news which left me stunned - her husband had left her at New Year's, returning to their Canadian home with out her! He was ending their 16 year marriage/relationship without an opportunity for reconciliation. She begged me to come to Florida as soon as I could arrange it.
Once a professional singer, actress, model, who starred on Broadway and at one time sang alongside Kenny Rogers, Gini was now a broken winged bird clinging to fear and desperation. I knew I had to be with her during this traumatic time.
Unfortunately she had signed a pre-nuptial agreement which didn’t even cover her insulin costs, as she has diabetes. The combination of having this condition and her emotional state complicated the matter even further. All of her family members were deceased except one brother who at the time she was not on speaking terms with. My friend was suicidal.
Time was of the essence. I booked my flight as soon as I could.
Now, just to set the scene for the rest of what remains to be unveiled:
I am a professional artist who, at that time, had been painting for over 21 years.
I had been married myself and had experienced the loss of a partner. My husband left six months after our son was born in 1988, never to be seen or heard from again! In 1991 my father passed away and in 1993 my best friend died, leaving me with yet another loss.
Back to Gini’s story:
The only way I felt capable of helping my friend was to be an ear, listening with my heart and being an observer, with a total understanding of what losses are all about. I watched Gini, as well intentioned people gave her “self help” books with great expectation of healing. I watched her try to read, however she was just too emotional to get very far. She became increasingly frustrated. She was seeking medical help, but all the sedatives in the world couldn’t change what lay heavy in her heart. Counselling was helping slightly, however she wasn’t connecting to its benefits.
We did go for long walks along the beach at the end of her street. We laughed, we cried, we shared stories and creative thoughts. It’s quite a combination when you put an artist and a musician together!
It worried me when it came time for me to return to Canada. I had to go home for my son who was being cared for in my absence, by my mother. I was afraid to leave Gini in the state she was in. I planned to return as often as I could so that she would have something to look forward to…so that she wouldn’t give up.
It was during my return visits that I received some of my greatest gifts.
One of the gifts I received was that while I was able to watch Gini move through the grieving process, I began to re-live my own grieving which I had never allowed myself to experience. I had been too busy raising my son, renovating a home and making ends meet to ever think about healing. I had only healed at a surface level. Although I thought this healing time was about Gini, it was as much about my own.
Each time I returned to Gini, I thought for sure she was on the road to recovery and that it would only be a couple more visits until she could manage her emotions… so I thought.
In reality it didn’t go that way at all. She would rise up and then she would fall. There it was, right in front of my eyes! It became quite clear to me that the reason that people give up when they are in such anguish is because they think the upward climb is too far out of reach. They don’t realize it is a process which takes you up hills, then into valleys. It is in the valleys we learn about our greatest strengths as well as our weaknesses. I thought “if only people could see that in the process of grieving we sometimes fall flat on our faces and we must make allowances for ourselves as we do for others.
I was so excited to develop an understating of the grieving process. As an artist I was trying to visualize how to help others see that healing isn’t as monumental as it appears if you only take one step at a time, allowing the experience to express itself rather and shove the feelings under the carpet as I had in my own life.
Then came the next gift:
One day, after being inspired by a poem Gini had written, entitled “Candle Without A Flame”, I received the written stages from a Divine source! Literally, in one day, the words dropped out of the sky. My own mother couldn’t believe I was the one who wrote them.
I now had before me a complete guideline for the stages of healing. It was the movement through losses to the evolution of self love and acceptance. Wow, what a concept!! Now… what do I do with that?
Now came the next gift of enlightenment:
I decided to create the stages of moving through grief by interpreting them on canvas. Why not put my God given talent to use by helping others who may not know where to start?
It has been revealed to me throughout my art career that paintings can move people’s emotions depending on colour and the content of meaning. I deduced that I should be able to portray the stages or the process of healing oneself , especially as I had not only experienced them but also had observed in living colour. The healing effects would also be individual, as art is interpreted uniquely by each viewer. It also has a lasting effect because it is visual!
It became apparent to me that music also had an emotional response to anyone experiencing difficult times. I saw that Gini identified with music and art on an equal basis.
Another gift arrived:
I thought about movies and how lifeless they would appear if there wasn’t any music in the background. I realized that the instruments and the sounds were the vehicles to move the viewer through the highs and lows of the script and the scenes. What then, if the paintings were to be musically orchestrated according to their individual stage.
I became even more excited at the idea of integrating art and music to create the medium which allows those who are suffering tragic circumstances to move through their own emotions, ultimately towards their own healing!
Gini and I discussed the possibility of her creating the music. She began one song entitled “Let the Sea Heart Find You”. The best thing that could happen would be that she would heal herself in the process.
And so it began to unfold…
Twelve 4 foot by 6 foot originals depicting each stage of the process of moving through grieving for the loss of those we love.
Due to some unforeseen circumstances, Gini and I went our separate ways for a short while. We didn’t realize at the time, but it had to be that way for our own healing. We both had different lessons to learn.
Many events unfolded during the manifestation of the paintings. There were some very hard lessons for me during this time. There were also some very beautiful and magical gifts along the way and that, my friend, is what life is all about!
With gratitude in your heart for all of your gifts or blessings, and with an understanding that the hard things will pass leaving you with not only a greater understanding but a compassion for others who have not yet experienced their own losses.
We can embrace all of the people and things we love in our lives and although they leave a mark in our hearts and sometimes cannot remain in our lives, we must realize that we have been given the gift of life here on earth. We must open up that beautiful gift and see the potential with love and gratitude in our hearts!
It is now the year 2002 and the paintings are almost complete along with the written stages.
The music is being composed in England, my country of birth, by an English group who understands the connection between art and music and their healing potential.
Gini has just performed in a musical play in Florida and has found her singing voice again!
The intuitive timing is perfect!
The Healing Journey is complete.
The public unveiling will be held at the Gallery on the Lake in Buckhorn, Ontario on June 1, 2002. The unveiling will be graced by the presence of Gini Eastwood-Eagan, who will be singing “Let the Sea Heart Find You”, the song inspired by our journey of self healing.
It is my hope that this song will be included in the release of the CD accompanying the written portion of the Healing Journey.
It is my greatest hope for anyone feeling alone and unable to move beyond their pain, that this personal healing journey of ours will inspire you to find your way through your grief to a place of acceptance and self love.
Debi Fitzgerald